A Mysterious Disorder

I’ve had epilepsy for quite a long time now(36 years) and, to this day I still cannot predict when or where a seizure will happen. They still occur any time, anywhere whether I am alone or with a group of people.

I like to compare the exact time that a seizure might occur with the sometimes unpredictable behavior and, say, occasional fits of a young child in a place, say a church,  where the parents hope such behavior won’t happen. Neither I nor parents of small children want these things to happen but they normally do.

Even so, these things happen and in my case, I’ve been able to keep a good overall attitude about myself and the life that I am living.

Yes, I have been able to continue living with my head up, unashamed of what I might look like when I have a seizure, what sounds I might make or how others may look at me or what they may say after witnessing a seizure. I have never gotten used to or felt bitter about feeling super tired as a result of a seizure and I think that is because I often take a nap after seizing. One thing I’ll never complain about is having too much sleep, even if it sometimes is in the middle of the day, a time that I never usually sleep.

While we’re on the subject of epilepsy let me discuss my most recent period of time battling seizures. That period came just last month(June) when I was bombarded with what felt like a nonstop epileptic storm of great strength, seizing 12 times in all. Due to this neurological explosion, I have little or no clear memory of the things that we(my son, wife and I) or I did in the month of June. It kind of feels like some evil wizard put a spell on me, erasing any memory, good or bad that I may have had.

The reason that I chose to mention this recent slew of seizures was to let others who may be in a similar situation know that there are ways to stay positive and feel good about the person that you are. Epilepsy certainly can disrupt one’s day in a hurry but having a good support system  and making small goals for your yourself or having a hobby-for me, it’s biking and running- can certainly brighten one’s outlook on life.

As for my memory,  I am still able to remember important dates in my life such as Ann and I’s wedding anniversary and our sons’birth 14 years ago this January. I can also still remember my dad as as all of my brothers’ and sisters’ birthdays. Otherwise, there is not too much more that I have been able to store as a clear memory.  Again, if it sounds like I’m bitching, that’s not what I was shooting for. I know that, in today’s world, there are so many more people with issues or problems much greater than what I deal with each time I seize. Another reason that I don’t believe having epilepsy is the worst type of disorder because I do not feel any pain when I do have a seizure. Sure, I am real tired and temporarily confused after I seize, but, with a little shuteye, I’m pretty much back to my normal self after I wake up.

I have no idea what the next week, month or year will give me in regards to my seizures. They will happen. Unfortunately, that’s a given but I have chosen to press on, do as much writing as I can, using my ample free time in productive, helpful (house chores) ways. This way, I won’t have any regrets or complaints about things that I wish I had done or vowed to do because I’ll be staying busy.

By writing this blog, I hope that I will have been able to help a person or people who may have a situation similar to myself. Remember, if you’re stuck with epilepsy, try to keep in mind that there will (probably) be more seizure-free time in your life overall and that your lives can still be productive if you keep keep your chin up and have a good attitude toward life.


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